Posted in Uncategorized
March 25, 2018

If I had to do it all over again, would I?

I had such an enlightening and deep conversation today with someone very special to my heart.  It started with a compliment, but as I expected a backhanded question arose to oppose my answer would soon follow.

The conversation starts with “You have come so far and I am proud of you making a life for yourself.”

As I respond with, “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

The immediate, “But I wish you would find another avenue of income and work that is more fulfilling and healthier for you.”

—– Insert awkward silence —–

Even though I anticipate this every time I have this discussion with someone close to me, it still creates the need to be selective with my words as I don’t want to come off defensive or offended.  Because I am not.  I understand the world finds it hard to believe and accept that my happiness can come from being a sex worker.  So I carefully construct an answer that will hopefully put ease to the need to save me from myself and my choice to be in the sex industry.

I answered her with this:

“I don’t expect you to ever understand me or my choices.  What I want you to do is recognize the personal growth, the changes in my attitude and how I deal with life and look at me as constantly self improving.  Your vision of the adult industry is negative for a variety of reasons, I get it.  BUT before you take everything you have learned through life and judge me, KNOW me and LOVE me.

I have come SO far and learned so much as a pupil in this chaotic world of sex, films, self exploration, and sexual freedom.  I spent SO many years caged inside of a body and brain that hated itself and yearned to be accepted.  Through this line of work I learned to LOVE myself, accept myself and be the best me I can be.  Everyday I learn something new, and more than just work product but personal flaws and improvements.

I have grown up being told to be submissive to the world and the people around me, because that’s why I saw but I have always been my own special unique individual and proud of it.  Aggressive, strong and full of life are who I have ALWAYS been and through what I do I have a unique opportunity to continue to grow and survive from the very things I absolutely love about myself.

Everything I have been taught my entire life was to follow the line, the expectations of others and that has lead to miserable jobs living check to check and barely surviving.  If I am going to suffer, I would rather suffer doing something I enjoy and being independent than dying everyday around people who don’t have my best interest at heart.  This is me.  Accept me or let me go.”

So the questions I had to ask myself is, “If I had it to do over again, would I?”

And the answer is:  “Undoubtedly, yes!”

Would I change some aspects of decisions I have made, indeed but ultimately I would be doing exactly what I am doing right now.

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