I was asked to write this blog by a very close friend of mine who is going through some troubling times in a new relationship. They’ve been unofficially dating for several months and recently decided to exclusively commit to each other. Although her partner warned her that his ex was definitely bitter about their break up that took place 4 years ago, she had no idea to what extent she would go to in her efforts to bring them as much drama as she could.
The ex and he share NO children together, never lived together and it’s been 4 years since they mutually called it quits. She was pretty quiet for about a year as she explored her new found single life and had fun being free to do what and whom ever she chose to. But then when the party was over, the lights went down and the loneliness set it, she decided to reach out the her ex in hopes to rekindle their relationship.
Her efforts were ignored, as he was content being single and focusing on his career. This obviously pissed her off and she became very persistent in continuing attempt after attempt to get him back into her life. She became so desperate that she started stalking him by showing up to places he frequented and even his job for his birthday claiming she had a gift for him. After a while, she calmed down although she never fully abandoned the mission to get reacquainted with him.
Fast forward to 6 months ago when he met my girlfriend at a social event his job was sponsoring. They immediately clicked and started casually dating. Soon, they realized that they were not dating anyone else and enjoyed each other so much that it just seemed natural to take things to the next level. Up until this point, his interactions were private with no posts on social media and no reports back to the ex about any sitings. That all ended the day he changed his relationship status on facebook and the hell broke loose.
Not realizing that she was even on his page still (under a FAKE profile she created to try to lure him back into her life) he didn’t have any clue what a harmless profile change would inevitably cause.
They were both so excited to have found each other and happily finding themselves like high school kids falling in love and learning about each other. It only seemed natural to let all the potential daters on their pages know they are no longer “available.”
The ex found my girlfriend’s facebook page, started sending messages telling her to watch out and warned her of all the terrible things he had done to her. Most of it was already shared as he had expressed his indiscretions from previous relationships while they were getting to know each other. In fact, it was one of the very things she grew to love about him; HONESTY. She wasn’t surprised by anything the ex was sharing, it was more the manner of which she was approaching her delivery of said information. She was VERY confrontational and aggressive.
Although she didn’t want to bother her new partner with this unnecessary drama, she decided to share with him what was going on as she feels transparency and communication are key in a relationship. (Great advice I gave her because she tends to try to handle everything silently and on her own) He knew this was going to be an issue so he asked her, how do you feel about disabling your page and letting the air clear for a while?
At first she was NOT ok with that, as she communicates with a lot of her friends from school that are all around the world. She tried going private, blocking anyone she didn’t know and various other security steps to make sure this woman couldn’t penetrate her privacy.
ALL ATTEMPTS FAILED.
SO she reaches out to me, asking for advice.
I had a few ideas of which I had to keep to myself for legal reasons. But ultimately I knew that she was going to have to do something to really check this chick and let her know who is boss. SO my advice was:
“Invite her to a girls lunch in PUBLIC with your girlfriends. Sit her down and just let her know that you will not stand for her harassment, stalking and truly unneeded warnings. Tell her it’s time to move on and make room for Mr. Right to enter into her world. All this time and energy she is spending on them is blocking the ability for someone who can compliment her life from even seeing her. Wish her all the best. And, finally, you are not going to tolerate any further communication from her to either of you. It’s over and time to move on.”
My advice to her about the situation outside of dealing with the ex was to simply focus on THEIR relationship. Who he is with her NOW is not who he was with the ex. Chemistry is different for people and sometimes we just aren’t meant to be with someone. It can become toxic and dangerous! So don’t treat him differently or fault him for her actions. If you expect him to do something or react, then TELL him. COMMUNICATE with him. This is not your fight alone and together you can conquer the situation.
It’s unfortunate that the ex is still holding on when he has clearly moved. The moral of the story is to stop being bitter about failed relationships or situations of the past. MOVE ON. You are holding your future hostage by staying stuck in the past. Your past doesn’t define you unless you remain a hostage to it. Grudges are toxic and block you from YOUR happiness.
When you are in a relationship, you have to stay true to yourself. If someone isn’t adding value to your life they don’t need to be there. Date FRIENDS instead of looking for romantic lovers. When someone is GENUINELY your friend, they are going to have more investment in your overall personal growth instead of looking at it from a “love” romanticized perspective.
Keys to moving on:
1. Reflect on your relationship.
Take time to truly reflect on the good, the bad and the indifferent. Often times we get so focused on the ending that we forget about the person we fell in love with. Don’t focus on the bad things, as much as cherishing the good.
2. Be realistic.
It’s too often that we romanticize a person and fall in love with who we think they are rather than who they really are. More often it’s US that creates OUR idea of who a person is which leads to disappointment.
3. Let the person be themselves.
You have to let people be who they are and love them flaws and all. If there are things about them you simply cannot stand or compromise, leave them alone and save yourself the heartache. Many of us fail to even be OURSELVES which can create issues as well.
4. Accept the truth, and put it behind you.
Many problems for people are putting the past in the past. You have to let it go. What’s done is done. In order to move forward, you have to leave the baggage of the past in it’s rightful place.
5. Don’t let it make you bitter.
Grudges are toxic and create unhealthy mental space. In order to find your peace and happiness, you have to let go of grudges and make room for positive energy. Your future is waiting for you!
6. Look at this as a new lease on life!
We often make plans for our life and when unexpected events take place, we get discouraged. Look at it as an exciting new lease on life and an opportunity to explore yourself. It’s like losing a job and finding a career.
7. THINK POSITIVE.
For those of us who take responsibility and often for things that are not even our fault, you HAVE to NOT beat yourself up for a situation failing. Sometimes we are just not meant to be around another person and that’s ok! No one has to be at fault. Just accept it for what it is and move on.
8. Who you were yesterday is not who you are today not who you will be tomorrow.
We change. We learn. We live. Acknowledge that you and your ex partner are NOT who you were and won’t be you are now. We evolve and grow, There is nothing wrong with that.
9. LOVE YOURSELF.
At the end of the day, it’s common to love others sometimes more than we love ourselves. STOP THAT. You can’t TRULY love someone else until you love yourself. Put YOU first and no one will ever make you feel 2nd.
10. Just do it.
Don’t make excuses. Stop procrastinating. Just do it.